Alright, so I decided to start this up for a couple reasons. One is that I like to follow Anna in basically everything. :p Another is that I'm changing, and re-thinking a lot of things. About myself, about people, and about life .. it helps me now and then to just write something out and have a place to stick it.
I've been going through this time where I find myself looking back through everything I've done and thought before .. and asking God about it, trying to get it sorted again. It feels almost like starting over. And so, I thought I'd try things a bit differently.
Well, I was going to write about something else. Something I've been wanting to mull over a bit. But my mind is focusing elsewhere, so, yeah.
I let myself get frustrated too easily. One morning, say, this morning even, everything will start out beautifully. I'll wake up rested, decide that I'm going to be happy and understanding and patient, ready to get a lot done or else not get a lot done - depending on what the plan is - and be generally in a good mood. But something may not go how I want it to, or somebody will say something I don't like and - bam - there goes my sunny outlook. Just like that.
It frustrates me. I feel like I have all these shining aspirations, and they're just no use to me at all, and so what's the point, and so whatever.
So here I sit pondering it, and what I'm mentally making my way back to is that I'm just. not. strong enough. I know it, but I'm really, really good at forgetting stuff.
I'm not determined enough, not passionate enough, not good enough, to make myself good. I try to tell myself to be a certain way, forget to ask Him to help me with it at all (because, you know, I can handle it), and then I'm shocked when I find myself back in the same spot again and again. I really, truly need God's help, to even be what I like to think of as "normal good". It feels sort of pathetic, I'd very much like to be stronger myself. To feel like I'm meeting God "part of the way" at least.
I get frustrated because I so much want God to take me past all that, past losing my cool over something stupid (it's never actually worth it), to some kind of more peaceful existence. I even stumble upon that spot sometimes. But I guess it shouldn't seem strange that when the solution I come up with is to try and set goals for myself, I - surprise - don't reach them.
I need His help. To be any good, at all.
I know this seems like such a silly thing to be dealing with, like I should have gotten past it years ago. But I haven't yet..I'm still here. I think the awesome thing though, is that He's here with me. Always willing to help me out. I've just gotta admit that I need it, and ask.
